Sex Drive and Money Problems
As most of you regular readers know, in my real job, I practice gynecology. I used to deliver babies too, but gave that up about 5 years ago.
The three most common complaints in my married patients- 25-60 year age group are:
- No Sex Drive
- Fatigue
- Can’t Lose weight
I could write a book about all three, but today, I want to focus on Sex Drive.
"Lovers" by picasso Photo by Cliff 1066
“Why sex drive?” you ask.
Well the other two, are not quite as uhhhhh, SEXY!! If it is good enough for Redbook, it’s good enough for me.
And before you say, “That’s fine, Dr Dean, but this is not a health blog or the Inquirer!”
Two points:
- It’s my blog, and I will do what I want with it
- I will tie Sex Drive to personal finance before we’re done, I promise!
Because it is such a frequent symptom/complaint most gynecologists have a good bit of experience (clinical experience-get your mind out of the gutter!) working up and treating these problems.
Common Complaints
What are the common complaints?
- “Our sex life isn’t what it used to be, and my husband made me promise to ask you about it!”
- “My husband said you need to check my hormones!” “Why your hormones?” I ask innocently…” Cause I am mad at him all the time and our sex life stinks! He said it had to be my hormones!”
- “I am too tired and my husband is frustrated-I think he might leave me if something isn’t done!”
There is a lot of controversy in the medical literature whether there is a true “desire disorder” in women. What are the possible causes?
- Low hormones-so far all the usual suspects, Estrogen, Progesterone, Prolactin, and Testosterone imbalances have all been studied, and nope, nothing consistent shows up! Low Testosterone in menopause is a possible contributor but still not definitely proven.
- Brain chemical imbalance-similar to dopamine/serotonin imbalances that seem to cause depression-but nope, not consistently noted in testing…
- Intimacy issues-This can be as simple as being taught as a child that sex is “dirty” and not to be enjoyed, or as complex as both partners having had affairs, with all the baggage they bring. I will not even get into the possibility of spousal abuse, alcoholism, medication side effects, and other complex partner issues.
The most common reason for low sex drive-by far-is tied directly to personal finances and life in general. I see this every day in my practice.
No Margin
And Dr Dean’s diagnosis is: “No Margin!”
- Who feels sexy when they are late paying the credit card bill or have collectors calling all evening?
- Who feels sexy when they have been on the road taking three kids to after school activities 5 days a week, with double headers on Saturday?
- Who feels sexy when, you are preparing dinner, after a hectic day at the office, knowing there are clothes to be washed, homework to be overseen, and you have to show your son how to throw a curve ball, cause your husband is on a two week long business trip?
- Who feels sexy when partners feel like failures when one is out of work, and the other is resentful of having to carry the load?
- Who feels sexy, when you are pissed your partner is “_________” You fill in the blank, it may be not helping with housework, not feeding the kids, not paying me enough attention, spending too much time on TV, computer games, twitter, or…. Well the list is endless.
No margin means no cushion for the unexpected. If you spend all your paycheck you aren’t prepared for the unexpected expense. That unexpected expense leads to stress and anxiety. No body is in”the mood” when they are stressed!
If you spend all your time on activities/stuff-you will not be able to transition your brain to intimate thoughts-it just won’t happen. The complexity of the nervous system in getting “in the mood” is difficult to comprehend. Suffice it to say, a lot has to go right, for sexual desire to be “right!”
It is hard to make the changes necessary to deal with “No Margin”
Cause you have to learn to say no, to learn to say yes! Let me repeat that, “You have to learn to say NO, before you can learn to say, YES!”
Say No
Say No to another after-school activity or sport!
Say No to that new project or overtime.
Say No to that pair of shoes you really don’t need, but makes you feel better to get back at him!
Say No to that, “I have to clean up the house like my Mom did-can’t let any dust settle!”
Say No to volunteering to provide lunch to the church youth, when you can’t hardly breathe, you have so much to do!
Say No to that nagging thought in your brain, that says, this guy(girl) at work really listens! Maybe I will have coffee with him/her after work-I can handle it. {But he is not the one you married, working 12 hours a day to help provide for your family!}
Say Yes
Say Yes to planning your spending and goal setting on a regular basis! Not just a blame game when your checks just bounced!
Say Yes to dividing duties, and having realistic VOICED expectations of who does what. We don’t read minds as well as we think.
Say Yes to a date night, once a week. If you can’t afford a sitter-do a swap with a friend or neighbor-let them watch your kids, and you return the favor. (not the other kind of swap….)
Say Yes to exercise-its hard to be a goddess or the master in bed, when you can’t walk up a flight of stairs without grabbing your side, and breathing like Secretariat, after winning the Preakness!
Say Yes to a full nights sleep.
Say Yes to a family meal several times a week-no books, TV in the background, cell phones or other distractions!
Say Yes to a mini-shack-up with your spouse every month or so. Check out the no-tell motel (watch for bedbugs if in NYC) for a few hours on Saturday afternoon. Get the kids to the movies or mall with a friend-like the sitter swap above, and have a little “down comforter” time! Try something different-long as it’s safe!
Say Yes even if you are not in the mood. Just insist on hugging, kissing, spooning time first ( I hate the word foreplay-that sounds like something you do on a football field-Old Fashioned Necking sounds much better!) That gets those complicated hormones flowing in the right direction!
Say Yes to reading a romantic novel, watching movies that get YOU in the mood!
Excuses
Now before you say you do all this, but your husband is a no-account slob, who only wants to watch sports, drink beer with his buds, never helps with the house or kids, and will not talk to me!
Or your wife is a spendthrift, spoiled, and can’t keep her hands off any man withing 100 yards.
Or easy for you to say, you are a man!
Well, I am a gynecologist, not a magician. You may need a marriage counselor. If your marriage is not important enough to make sacrifices for each other-then it is doomed!
Take this as your challenge. Look over the list above, and pick just ONE thing! Remember, you are in the drivers seat, when it comes to Sex Drive!
Reader Questions:
What say you, what do you do to keep the spark alive?
Any suggestions for inexpensive ways to take time off together?
Have you ever been so stretched for time, that your marriage suffered?
Tags: decreased libido and what you can do, improving sex drive in your marriage, improving your libido, sex drive in marriage
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Yakezie and Dr. Dean Burke, Dr. Dean Burke. Dr. Dean Burke said: New Blog Post: Dr Dean Explains: Libido and Money Problems! http://bit.ly/bBD1ik [...]
For us, I have a hard time realizing what puts her in the mood. She does a lot more than I realize and she’s always thinking of whats next. If I help out and get things done, she can relax and that’s when we have a good time.
I do travel for work at times, and I use my own credit card to get CC points, which I can use for a night in a hotel. My wife and I have only done this twice, but we just go to the hotel and relax without the kids. It’s great, even if no funny business happens
My wife and I are both stretched for time, but we love each other, and are willing to sacrifice when either of us needs a break so it works out.
Using a free night from your credit card is a great way to have a night out on a budget. But, not having any funny business happen defeats the purpose. Jesse at your age…..
This is an excellent post Dr. Dean. It seems so often, people want to just blame a medical issue when the answer may be right in front of them.
I think for women, seeing their man straighten up around the house and lighten their load is as meaningful as a bouquet of roses. (or maybe that is just me since I am allergic to flowers.)
However, men don’t feel like helping out because ‘what has she done for me’ (if you know what I mean).
There are so many vicious circles in relationships. Sometimes all it takes is a good old fashioned sit-down discussion to start with a blank slate, and things will improve from there.
In essence, I agree with your post 110 percent.
Thanks Kris, I wrote it from experience, not just guess-work. I know the things I wrote will work. But it is extremely difficult for people to slow down and spend time on their relationships. As you say, there are layers and layers of unresolved issues, and it takes mature people to accept that they can’t get everything they want.
[...] Dean ties together problems in the, umm, bedroom to problems with your wallet. This is really fascinating and fun to [...]
This was such a great article and I meant to comment but just forgot. I have definitely experienced some of this with my girlfriend and it’s a struggle to figure out how to re-light the fire. This was a helpful post and I’ll try to remember some of these ideas.
Hey, glad I could help! Young people like you shouldn’t be having issues like that!!! Just kidding, a busy life is a busy life!
[...] (Of course, they probably learned the “real” reason for the nap as they got older, but that’s another story…See my earlier post on libido, if you have questions…) [...]
My husband is a compulsive spender. The garage, basement, a bedroom of the house and five closets are full of his purchases. He spends 80% of his earnings on himself and resents money for the household. The kids are grown now, thank goodness. His spending continues. Then he criticizes me because household bills need to be paid. He refuses to go on vacation anywhere with me because he does not want to leave our pets with anyone else. He does travel with his college friend, a man, and enjoys getting away but never with me. He eats compulsively and watches television every moment he is awake. He has presently eaten hot dogs five days in a row and is complaining about a gout flair up.
I do not feel attracted to him. I feel aggravated by him. I feel that too much work and responsibility falls on me and if I try to talk to him about it he becomes hostile.
He wonders why I’m not interested in sex. I find his life choices profoundly unattractive. When I was young and had strong hormones I was more physically attracted to him. Now I need more of an equal relationship with someone I respect to experience this feeling.
We did 4 years of marital therapy and things were better until his college friend got a divorce and was at our house every weekend for three years. I began to wonder why my husband wanted this other person here all the time. Now this is who he vacations with.
Sorry to go on and on.