Posts Tagged ‘family money issues’

Restaurant Checks: Who Pays?

Tuesday, March 8th, 2011

Restaurant Tabs

A reader asks,

“I have in-laws that insist on going out to eat when they come to visit.  We usually eat in-to save money, and to eat more healthy.  They usually offer to pay, but I know they can’t afford it.  We then end up fighting over the check!

What is the best way to deal with this?”

I have been in this situation numerous times during my long, stellar in-law career (I’ve been married 30 years….)  Luckily I have only had to break in one set of in-laws… Well, let me re-think that.  My wife’s Dad died when my wife and I  had been married about 6 years, and her Mom remarried several years later.  So I have had to break in aaaa new step-dad in-law?

Eating Out: Who Pays?

Eating Out?

Many families struggle with the eating out and who pays dilemma.

There can be so many family dynamics going on:

  • The I am the proud father and I will always pay!
  • The I am always the moocher, and will never pay.  (but I do luv lobster-Surf and Turf is my middle name…)
  • The If you are picking up the bill, I will only order saltines, and the soup of the day (“man, this is expensive!” gets whispered behind the menus…)

The dilemma:

Unfortunately it can be a lose/lose at times.  You don’t want to seem a cheap skate, (you prefer the term  frugal thank you).  And by going out, you may be spending money neither family has.  But only one of you has figured this out….

How I do it:

My side of the family has never really had an issue with this.   We either split the bill per couple (there are 5 of us siblings) or one of us volunteers to pick up the tab.  Nobody keeps score.  We just say thank you and move on.

My wife’s family has had issues with this.  They never want to be “beholden” in southern-speak.

We have, over time, decided to deal with it this way in our household:

  • If we have already prepared a meal, we gently insist that we eat at home.  “The meal is prepared and we don’t want it to go to waste” usually works.
  • We also offer an alternative.  We eat here tonight, then if you want to go out tomorrow for lunch… or something similar.
  • If they make what seems to be a genuine offer to pick up the tab, my wife has learned to let it go, and just say thank you.
  • We always politely offer to pick up the tab or to split it first.

Why:

  • Although you may know YOUR  in-laws don’t make financially sound decisions, making the judgment that they can’t afford the tab is not your job.  You are forcing your values regarding money on them.
  • Saying  a gracious thank you rather than arguing over a check can be learned.  I  think  it is a sign of financial and emotional maturity.

Reader Questions:

What do you and your family do regarding eating out when you have company, especially family?

How do you then deal with the check?  Do you fight over it?  Is it a source of stress in the family?

(photo credit whologwhy c.c.)

Check out The Carnival of Money Stories at Squirrelers! I am honored to have been included.

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Posted in personal finance, Quality of Life | 13 Comments »

Finances Need a Fix? “Retreat” May be Better Than “Charge”!

Friday, March 26th, 2010

Are your finances broken or in need a repair.  Maybe you need to get out of debt or can’t figure out how to save money-even though everyone is telling you-”save for retirement-your next car, college, new home….”

I think you get the drift.

So what do you do to get started????

As many of my regular readers know, I am an elected city council member.  We are at a city retreat today.  Finishing up a day and a half of planning for the future.  I find these meetings extremely effective in getting our city moving, in what the council and mayor thinks, is the right direction.  We come up with milestones, or parameters to make sure our direction is being followed….

So what does this have to do with managing your finances?

Well the problem with most household finances, is that nobody is thinking about next week,   next month or the next five years.

So what do you do?

Have your own retreat.

Cardinal Flower or Lobelia Cardinalis Found on our city's Nature Trail

Set aside time for you and your spouse.  No distractions allowed.  No kids, cellphones, televisions.

Personal Finance Retreat Agenda:

  • Where are you now?  In debt, drowning in bills, not being able to give to others?  Make sure you do a personal financial statement before the meeting.  Here is a link to my website where you can download a simple template of a financial intake assessment.
  • Set goals for your family, both financial and personal-remember many personal goals affect your finances-do you want to save for college, save for a new house, save so you can give to the hungry in Africa, or your church?????
  • Set a timetable for  your new goals.
  • Set a spending/saving  plan to match your goals.
  • Make as much of this become automatic-using technology and planning, so you don’t have to think about it.
  • Revisit your goals on a schedule-have a mini-retreat every three months.

Now you may say, we can’t agree on what to have for dinner at our house, how are we going to agree on our goals and plans.

Well, our council is made up a diverse group of economic, religious, and racial backgrounds.  But our common bond is that we genuinely love our city, and want to make it better for our children and grandchildren.

Does that mean we agree-far from it.  We have lively debates on the best way to spend the limited tax dollars that are becoming more and more precious every day.

So you and your family, at least the ones old enough to have a say, (which means they bring in money, or work in other ways to help the household), need to come to a consensus.

If you can’t come up with reasonable compromises-maybe you have someone who is addicted to spending, an alcoholic or drug addict-then you may need marital, or other counseling,  to help with those all too real issues.

So go have your own retreat.  Make a few tough decisions about your spending….

You will be glad you did!

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Posted in goal setting, Personal Finance 101, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »